I have been debating on rather or not I should post this. I haven’t blogged in quite awhile, but there is a reason for that. I have been struggling mentally and physically a lot more in the past couple of months than ever before in my life. I know that I post a lot about my endometriosis but there is a lot more going on inside than I tend to tell. Yes, I have endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, and mast cell activation syndrome, all of which take a toll on your body physically. But what people with chronic illness don’t like to talk about is the mental health that comes with it. The reason I didn’t know if I wanted to share this with everyone was because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I don’t know what people would think of me.
The mental exhaustion that comes along with all of these is almost just as bad as physical exhaustion of it all. One thing that no one knows about was my addiction that I had two years ago. I became addicted to my pain pills. I was tired of feeling pain all of the time and mentally I was just ready for it all to end. So, I just started taking pills even when I wasn’t in pain. Thanks to the Lord I have overcome my addiction.
But there are still other mental things that I go through that I have not yet overcome. My depression continues to get worse and worse. If I’m being honest, there are days when I just don’t feel like fighting anymore. Days when I know my body is tired and done. Days when I know I’m getting more and more sick and not better. Days when I can’t stand the thought of my husband having to do everything for me because I can’t even get up to use the restroom on my own. This is a daily struggle. One that I want to overcome but know that I can’t do on my own. Only through the grace and love of God can I overcome my depression. Only through God can I overcome my desire to end it all.
I realize that this is too much for some of you. But I feel as though if we were more accepting and understanding and listened to people when they have a problem with their health, rather it be mental or physical, we wouldn’t have such a high suicide rate. We make so many people feel bad for their problems and tend to criticize them instead of listening to them and helping them.
I was scared to share this, but I know that there are others out there just like me that don’t know where to turn to sometimes. This is a struggle for me and I want people to be aware that there is someone around you struggling with something. Talk to them and listen. You may just help to save their life.
