Mental and Physical Health

I have been debating on rather or not I should post this. I haven’t blogged in quite awhile, but there is a reason for that. I have been struggling mentally and physically a lot more in the past couple of months than ever before in my life. I know that I post a lot about my endometriosis but there is a lot more going on inside than I tend to tell. Yes, I have endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, and mast cell activation syndrome, all of which take a toll on your body physically. But what people with chronic illness don’t like to talk about is the mental health that comes with it. The reason I didn’t know if I wanted to share this with everyone was because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I don’t know what people would think of me. 

The mental exhaustion that comes along with all of these is almost just as bad as physical exhaustion of it all. One thing that no one knows about was my addiction that I had two years ago. I became addicted to my pain pills. I was tired of feeling pain all of the time and mentally I was just ready for it all to end. So, I just started taking pills even when I wasn’t in pain. Thanks to the Lord I have overcome my addiction. 

But there are still other mental things that I go through that I have not yet overcome. My depression continues to get worse and worse. If I’m being honest, there are days when I just don’t feel like fighting anymore. Days when I know my body is tired and done. Days when I know I’m getting more and more sick and not better. Days when I can’t stand the thought of my husband having to do everything for me because I can’t even get up to use the restroom on my own. This is a daily struggle. One that I want to overcome but know that I can’t do on my own. Only through the grace and love of God can I overcome my depression. Only through God can I overcome my desire to end it all. 

I realize that this is too much for some of you. But I feel as though if we were more accepting and understanding and listened to people when they have a problem with their health, rather it be mental or physical, we wouldn’t have such a high suicide rate. We make so many people feel bad for their problems and tend to criticize them instead of listening to them and helping them. 

I was scared to share this, but I know that there are others out there just like me that don’t know where to turn to sometimes. This is a struggle for me and I want people to be aware that there is someone around you struggling with something. Talk to them and listen. You may just help to save their life.

Life Update

I’ve been debating if I should share this or not. I have decided to let you all know what has been going on. Most of you already know this, but some of you have no idea. As many of you know I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014. I was having some more problems just thinking that it was my endo flaring up, but I was wrong. Back in the beginning of October I had a procedure done on my bladder to check to see if I have something called Interstitial Cystitis.  Before my procedure my urologist said that he was also going to be looking to see if I had a large mast cell count in my bladder. I wasn’t quite sure as to what he was talking about at the time. Michael and I were told the day of that I did have interstitial cystitis and that I was going to go back in two weeks for a follow up to discuss my options. Little did we know that the day of my doctor’s visit that our lives would be flipped upside down once again. I was told that I had a high mast cell count in my bladder and that I had something called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. He explained how serious it can be and gave me some websites and information and medications for me to try out. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it’s a long explanation but I will try to keep it as short as possible. Mast cells are what helps you when you get sick. The mast cells release chemicals in your body to help fight off whatever virus you have. But when you have a mast cell disorder, those chemicals are always being released into your body. Causing you to be allergic to basically everything around you. Your body is always fighting against your immune system, even when it doesn’t need to. I am always having some type of allergic reaction, some more severe than others. One of those reactions being that it causes me to stay tired no matter how much I sleep. Imagine having a horrible case of the flu all the time. How it drains you completely, how your body aches all day, how you just can’t breathe. That is what this feels like. I say all of this not for sympathy or attention. I bring this up for awareness and information. I’m tired of staying quiet and being ashamed of being sick. Being chronically ill makes you feel as though you have to keep things to yourself because you don’t want to seem needy or whiny or pitiful or for people to feel sorry for us. We often feel embarrassed by how we are, and we shouldn’t feel that way. 

This is just something that I have, it’s not who I am.