Mental and Physical Health

I have been debating on rather or not I should post this. I haven’t blogged in quite awhile, but there is a reason for that. I have been struggling mentally and physically a lot more in the past couple of months than ever before in my life. I know that I post a lot about my endometriosis but there is a lot more going on inside than I tend to tell. Yes, I have endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, and mast cell activation syndrome, all of which take a toll on your body physically. But what people with chronic illness don’t like to talk about is the mental health that comes with it. The reason I didn’t know if I wanted to share this with everyone was because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I don’t know what people would think of me. 

The mental exhaustion that comes along with all of these is almost just as bad as physical exhaustion of it all. One thing that no one knows about was my addiction that I had two years ago. I became addicted to my pain pills. I was tired of feeling pain all of the time and mentally I was just ready for it all to end. So, I just started taking pills even when I wasn’t in pain. Thanks to the Lord I have overcome my addiction. 

But there are still other mental things that I go through that I have not yet overcome. My depression continues to get worse and worse. If I’m being honest, there are days when I just don’t feel like fighting anymore. Days when I know my body is tired and done. Days when I know I’m getting more and more sick and not better. Days when I can’t stand the thought of my husband having to do everything for me because I can’t even get up to use the restroom on my own. This is a daily struggle. One that I want to overcome but know that I can’t do on my own. Only through the grace and love of God can I overcome my depression. Only through God can I overcome my desire to end it all. 

I realize that this is too much for some of you. But I feel as though if we were more accepting and understanding and listened to people when they have a problem with their health, rather it be mental or physical, we wouldn’t have such a high suicide rate. We make so many people feel bad for their problems and tend to criticize them instead of listening to them and helping them. 

I was scared to share this, but I know that there are others out there just like me that don’t know where to turn to sometimes. This is a struggle for me and I want people to be aware that there is someone around you struggling with something. Talk to them and listen. You may just help to save their life.

Life Update

I’ve been debating if I should share this or not. I have decided to let you all know what has been going on. Most of you already know this, but some of you have no idea. As many of you know I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014. I was having some more problems just thinking that it was my endo flaring up, but I was wrong. Back in the beginning of October I had a procedure done on my bladder to check to see if I have something called Interstitial Cystitis.  Before my procedure my urologist said that he was also going to be looking to see if I had a large mast cell count in my bladder. I wasn’t quite sure as to what he was talking about at the time. Michael and I were told the day of that I did have interstitial cystitis and that I was going to go back in two weeks for a follow up to discuss my options. Little did we know that the day of my doctor’s visit that our lives would be flipped upside down once again. I was told that I had a high mast cell count in my bladder and that I had something called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. He explained how serious it can be and gave me some websites and information and medications for me to try out. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it’s a long explanation but I will try to keep it as short as possible. Mast cells are what helps you when you get sick. The mast cells release chemicals in your body to help fight off whatever virus you have. But when you have a mast cell disorder, those chemicals are always being released into your body. Causing you to be allergic to basically everything around you. Your body is always fighting against your immune system, even when it doesn’t need to. I am always having some type of allergic reaction, some more severe than others. One of those reactions being that it causes me to stay tired no matter how much I sleep. Imagine having a horrible case of the flu all the time. How it drains you completely, how your body aches all day, how you just can’t breathe. That is what this feels like. I say all of this not for sympathy or attention. I bring this up for awareness and information. I’m tired of staying quiet and being ashamed of being sick. Being chronically ill makes you feel as though you have to keep things to yourself because you don’t want to seem needy or whiny or pitiful or for people to feel sorry for us. We often feel embarrassed by how we are, and we shouldn’t feel that way. 

This is just something that I have, it’s not who I am.

Giving God Control.

We all have a dream job. There are careers that we wish we could do for the rest of our lives. Ever since I was in the 10th grade, I knew I wanted to become an FBI agent and become a criminal profiler. Growing up I knew I wanted to do something that made a difference, I just wasn’t quite sure what I wanted. Becoming a police officer often crossed my mind being that I come from a family of cops. But I still wasn’t sure until I had my first ever psychology class in the 10th grade and I fell in love with the way that our brains work. That is what I wanted to do!

For the next several years I planned out every single step that I needed to take in order to become a profiler. How many years of college I needed to take, what internship I would need, what job, where to live and how to train my body. 

After graduating from high school I felt as though I needed to take at least a year off from school to better prepare myself for my future career as an agent. Little did I know that during that year my life would change completely. 

During that year I began to pass out and seizure and would be in constant pain. My family and I had no idea what was going on. I had never experienced anything like that in my life.

I kept going to the hospital and I was just always told that it was all in my head, that there was nothing wrong with me. But there was. I was diagnosed with endometriosis a few months later. For those of you that don’t know what this is it is when the cells in your uterus start growing on other places. You basically always have internal bleeding. This disease can cause infertility, weight gain, chronic fatigue, fainting, seizures and so much more.

After finding this out and finding out that it would only get worse, because there is no cure, I knew that my chances of becoming an agent were gone. God had so much more planned for me than I knew about.

After realizing that becoming an agent was no longer a reality I began to ask God what it was that He wanted me to do. I had to give Him all of the control. Because it is not about us in this life, it’s about doing what we can to help build up God’s kingdom. What can we do to worship God daily? What can we do to make sure that His name is known nation to nation? This is what I began asking myself. This is what I began to ask God.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend and act like it was the easiest decision because it wasn’t. I would constantly be pushing myself to exercise or not take as much medication so that I would tell my body what I wanted it to do. I was trying to be the one in total control over my body and my life. I didn’t want some disease telling me what I was and wasn’t going to do. This was my plan and I was going to make it happen no matter what. 

I was selfish. It wasn’t my disease telling me what I was and wasn’t going to do. It was God. I just kept ignoring Him because I refused to come to terms with His plan because it didn’t fit into mine.

Everyone’s story is different, but for me, what you’re reading, blog posts are what it is that He wants me to do. I realize that to some of you that might sound really crazy. But to me I feel as though I can tell my story and have God speak through me to talk to others. We have all heard the saying that, “The internet is forever”. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. So rather it is 5 days from now or 5 years from now, maybe one day someone will read one of these blogs and realize just how much God loves them. That even though you wanted to do one thing with your life but that dream got taken away doesn’t mean that you are still not meant to do so many incredible things.

I had to realize my idea of a perfect life and career was exactly that, my idea. Not God’s. We can plan and prepare ourselves all we want to, but unless we are giving God that full control, things just might change. So step out of God’s way and let Him take over. It’s time we built up His kingdom and not ours!

Surgery Story

Dealing with a disease is a lot harder than you might think. And one without a cure can be even worse. For those that don’t know I have something called endometriosis. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when the tissue that is supposed to grow on the inside of your uterus begins to grow on other places in the pelvic area. It can even spread up to your heart and lungs. So now that you know that, here is my surgery story. That one that shook me the most.

It all started about 6 or 7 years ago. I would horrible pain all the time. I always thought that it was super normal because the pain was mainly there when I would have my cycle.

Fast forward to a few years later the pain just continued to get worse and worse over the years. It was getting too hard to ignore. I kept going to the hospital and I was just always told that it was all in my head, that there was nothing wrong with me. So at some point you begin to believe it.

At one point my right side continued to become more and more painful every single day. So I went to the ER a few times and on my second or third visit they finally found something. I had a cyst rupture on each of my ovaries. So they referred me to a gynecologist. (The best one I might add.)

So when I went to see her after only five minutes talking to her about my pain and what it felt like she immediately looked at me and said, “I think you have something that is called endometriosis.” Those words have both helped me and hurt me since hearing them that day. The one thing with diagnosing endometriosis is that is can only be done through surgery.

So a few months later I had my first surgery where I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis and where they also took out my appendix at the same time due to too much tissue growth from the endo on it. And ever since that day my life has never been the same.

There are four stages with endo. And depending on what stage determines how many and when you need surgery. I am now at a stage four and have had three surgeries since 2014. And the last one that I had has been the hardest to deal with. One thing that was tough about this one was that on average the surgery lasts about 45 minutes to an hour. Mine lasted almost 3 hours. This is because I had way more tissue than the doctor expected. She had to go in and scrap and burn the lining of my uterus out as well as any other spot that had the tissue on there. 

After the surgery was over it took me several hours to come to. I hurt to move, to talk and even breath at some points. But at this point I didn’t know yet just how bad it was. After Michael told me everything that the doctor had told him it began to fully sink in. I have something that is going to cause me to never have a a normal life. 

These surgeries are what has become normal for Michael and I. A cabinet full of 8 different medications is now normal. Almost two doctor visits a month is now normal. Not being able to have children is normal. That was the point when I realized that this disease has taken over my life.

I don’t say all of this to get pity or attention. I say all of this because people need to be more aware of endometriosis. It effects 1 in 10 women yet no one knows about it until you or someone you know is diagnosed with it. There is no cure. There is medication and surgery. So can we all take a moment after we read this to pray for the ladies that have this? And the spouses of those that have it? Because it is a daily struggle and we need awareness.

Chain Breaking Freedom

Today we got to celebrate freedom. For many people freedom can mean many different things. For some it means that they have the right to say what they want. For others it means they have the right to worship how they wish without the fear of death. And for me, freedom means Jesus.

Having a relationship with Jesus is the best decision that I could have ever made. I used to not fully understand what it meant to have a relationship with Him. It was something that I had always heard but didn’t quite understand. But now that I have one I truly get it. 

When you date someone you’re in a relationship with them. You want to spend all of your spare time with them. You stay up all night and just talk because you just want to hear their voice. You trust them to hold you in your darkest times. You trust them with your darkest of secrets. You just want them all the time. That to me is what it means to have a relationship with Him. I want Him always. I want to stay up just talking to Him. He will stretch out his arms when I’m upset. And I can trust Him with my darkest of secrets.

But going back to freedom. I am able to have freedom because of Him. My chains have been broken. Sin can no longer keep me in shackles. Psalm 118:5 says this, “Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free.” He saw me when I was blind and made me see.

In the song “No Longer Slaves” the chorus says, “I’m not longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.” That is true freedom. We are all a child of God. We are all able to seek the freedom that God has offered to us. God sending His one and only son to die on the cross has offered up the ultimate freedom! 

You too can have that freedom. It is not just for the people that “have it all together” despite what people may think. His blood shed for me and for you. With each and every drop was a promise of love and freedom. Jesus bled all of the blood out of his body, think about that, every last ounce was poured out. He took literally everything inside of Himself and poured it out to give you that love and to give you that freedom. Go to Him and be set free.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” -John 8:36

When you face loss. (1928-2013)

Losing a loved one can be incredibly difficult. And it is unfortunately something that we all have to face at some point in our life. For me, that first person that I lost was my grandmother. (This blog will be a bit different from the rest that I have done. However, I still would like to share this story.)

My grandmother was such a wonderful woman! I didn’t quite understand who she was exactly until after she had passed away. She was kind, generous, humble, funny, wise and everything that you would imagine a truly devoted follower of Christ to look like. She would fall asleep every single night holding and reading her Bible. She would pray all the time for everyone, not just those that she loved,but even those that she might not care for so much. She was a walking, talking, breathing example of Jesus.

Five years ago yesterday my grandmother passed away in her sleep. It was super hard then to understand the news. But to be honest, the older I get the harder it becomes at times. When she passed away it was hard because I had never truly understood what it meant to lose someone. I was sad because my grandmother had passed away but I didn’t fully understand what was to come with her passing. I felt anger, fear, depression, confusion, but that was just the flesh part of me. But for her I felt joy and happiness, because she was finally home with Jesus. The place that she would talk about often with such excitement.

While she was still here on earth I loved her so much, and I still do. But I didn’t quite appreciate her as much as I should have. I didn’t take in the wisdom that she would often speak to me and the rest of my family. I loved her, but there were times I just didn’t understand her. How could someone love Jesus so much? I was so confused! I believed in Jesus at the time but didn’t have a full relationship with him. I went to church but didn’t walk with him.

Sometimes we don’t appreciate who we have in our lives until they are gone. After she passed away and I had gone through all of the stages of grief I began to really understand who she was as a person. I began to understand just how kind her sweet soul was. I prayed to God every single day for me to be able to get through her passing. And He did so by helping to really understand her. Now that I know who she was it makes me so happy to have had her in my life for as long as I did. Because of my grandmother I now understand what it looks like to walk with Christ. 

She has helped to shape me into the Christ follower that I am and want to continue to strengthen. Because of her kind words and examples I feel as though I can now understand that joy that she felt and would talk about daily. That same joy that she loved telling others about! I am who I am because of her. I love you grandma!

For Father’s Day

My father and I  have always had a great bond. I think that it all started 25 years ago when my mom  went into labor with me on my dad’s birthday, although I wasn’t actually born until the day after. And so this is where it all began you see, I am one of the lucky ones that has a good relationship with my father. Both my earthly father and my Heavenly Father.

There are so many people out there that since they have a bad relationship with their earthly father think that, that is how God would also treat them. So if their father left them, they think that God will also leave them. If their father told them that they weren’t worthy of anything, they also think that God feels the same way. If their father doesn’t love them, they will also think that God doesn’t love them either.

This type of thinking can be very dangerous. God is so much more than our bad thoughts about our own father. God will never leave you, (Deuteronomy 31:8). God thinks that you are worthy, (John 3:16). God does love you, (John 3:16-17, Romans 5:8). 

God will never leave you! We need to be sure that we never confuse God’s silence with His absence. There is a huge difference between the two. Did you know that there is a 400 year gap between the Old Testament and the New Testament? During that 400 years God was completely silent. But also during that 400 years there were several things that were invented. Things such as, a new language, a new transportation system, as well as many others. All of which would continue on into the New Testament. If God had been absent, those things wouldn’t have happened. He is quiet at times to help prepare us for what is to come.

We are worthy! Not just of His love but of His grace. I know that most people think of John 3:16 as a love verse, and it is, but I also think that this verse also shows us how worthy we are. We are worthy because Jesus has made us worthy. The word “anyone” is in that verse, “anyone that believes”. That includes those that may not really have that father figure in their life. That includes those that feel like they aren’t worthy of love because of something they do or something that they have done in the past. You are worthy because of the cross.

God loves you! As you have noticed, I again put down John 3:16-17. I put 17 because it shows that God wanted to save us through Jesus Christ. But I also put in Romans 5:8. It says, “But God shows His love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” We are all always sinning against God. But He still sent Jesus to die for us on that cross, regardless of what we have done. We are all deserving of Hell. But through the grace and love of God we can be spared from that death. God loves us enough that even though it is what we deserve we have that option to accept His love and grace. Even those that may not choose that path with Him, He still loves you!

So for those of you that look at God like you look at your own father in the ways that I have described, please take these words that God has spoken through me and just really understand them. Please understand that God has so much more planned for you then you could have for yourself. Just trust in Him. I know that not having a good relationship with your earthly father can cause a bad one with the Heavenly one, but please don’t let it. Let God be that missing piece.